Those Two Little Lines

You can’t put into words how your feel and all the emotions you go through when you see them two lines. I was utterly deluded that I thought because I had been on the pill for 15 years that it would take months/possibly years for it to get out of my system and fall pregnant – little did I know! So anyone who has the same mentality, think again! Only come off the pill when you are 100% ready to start trying, as it is a complete myth that it needs time to get out of your system and hormones back to normal, it may happen instantly! It was December 2017 and due to other things going on in my life it was a few weeks before I realised my period was late.

I didn’t have many symptoms other than the late period and just feeling a little off. So I did the test on my own one morning thinking to myself, surely not yet.. and there they were.. those two little lines! It’s a combination of excitement, nerves and instant worry that rushes through you, it’s all so overwhelming! I decided with it being just a few weeks before Christmas I would keep this little secret between me and my mum and surprise Gary on Christmas Day with some cheesy personalised gift.

Unfortunately our little angel baby didnt make it to Christmas. My mum and I were off to NYC on a shopping spree, so she’s the only person that knew, and it was literally all we talked about! We were googling what foods I had to avoid and all I wanted was eggs benedict which you get everywhere in that city, but I wouldn’t risk having an undercooked egg! Obviously alcohol was straight off the cards which was slightly gutting when we usually have plenty of baileys hot chocolates in Bryant Park, but I was in that little love bubble where alcohol and all cravings were the least of my worries because i was carrying my little bean! We even bought some baby grows, bibs, and a little girls outfit as we were convinced it was a baby girl because my partner already had 2 boys and I felt I just had a gut feeling.

Then that excitement turned into a sickening pit in our stomachs on our last day. My heart dropped worry when I started spotting, I came out of the toilet asking my mum if it was normal in the first few months, she said it can be and I probably spent the whole of our last morning googling how common spotting is during first 3 months of pregnancy.

My tip to others in that position would be – put google down! Every pregnancy is different. Is is common to have some spotting in pregnancy, even heavy bleeding. But this was different. As the day went on the bleeding was getting heavier and that’s when the pain started. The cramps. Oh a pain I will never forget. Excruciating lower abdomen pain, I thought period pains could be rough but these were on another level. I kept telling my mum I was ok and not in much pain because I wanted to stay positive. We spent the afternoon walking around NYC trying to find a clinic that would let me pay to be seen to, it was impossible, I needed private insurance everywhere. Then it got to the point all I wanted to do was lie down and put some warmth on my tummy. It was about -5 degrees outside, and we just received a text to say our flight was delayed from 10pm that evening til 5am the following morning, it couldn’t have been worse timing to get a flight delay. Home felt a million miles away as we had a connecting flight in Barcelona to fly back to Tenerife so we had a long journey ahead of us. When we were finally on board the plane I remember going to the toilet and without sharing too many details, that was when I knew.

I had lost the baby. All I could think about was how I was going to tell Gary, when we finally got back to Tenerife, I called Gary and told him before I went to the hospital about what had happened, he was pretty angry I hadn’t told him previous but tried to reassure me everything would be ok as his ex had a similar experience with his eldest. But I knew. After a long 7 hours in the emergency department the doctor confirmed what I already knew that there was no heartbeat. That feeling, is one I will never forget. To be told that the little bean inside you which was half of you and half of the person you love is no longer living. All them visions you had of your child are gone in a second.

It’s a heartbreaking and soul destroying feeling that is indescribable. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Miscarriage and infant loss is something that is not talked about enough and it breaks my heart. We live in a society where miscarriage is just brushed off as being ‘common’. Common or not, a woman’s life changed the minute she saw them two lines.

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